We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
