What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
