i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
