you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
