its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
sarcasm needs its own font
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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