Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
