U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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