So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
