you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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