oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
