Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
What happened to fro yo and sex?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
