someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
