Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
