No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
