I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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