So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
