I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
