I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
