just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
