And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
