i already hear my dad disowning me
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
