i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
