Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He passed out mid-signature
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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