Please, let me fuck your mom
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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