I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
