Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just found a bag of teeth...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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