Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
