I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
