worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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