There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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