I puked a lego.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
