I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
