i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
