Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
