Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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