I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
