you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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