my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
