Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
