That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
