Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
