Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
