We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Randomize
