Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
