I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
