Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
