after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
