His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
