You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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