I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
