I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
