Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
