i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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